I recently found this video by a guy named Gus Johnson where he reads reviews on small businesses from his hometown. I, coincidentally, am also from a small town and thought this would be hilarious to recreate in blog form. (Gus is really funny and you should check out his channel.)
My hometown isn’t so small anymore but it used to be and, in many ways, it still feels incredibly small. There are no shortage of small, local businesses that people are willing to review.
Let’s start with restaurants.
To begin we will stroll downtown to the “oldest restaurant in Georgia” (1916). At least that is what they claim. I do not know if this is true and I literally could not care less because, in my personal opinion, the place is gross. However, they are really proud of that title and defend themselves tooth and nail in the Google Reviews.
Geez. Step OFF, US! This really had me laughing because they are basically telling this person that their restaurant will outlive them. Which, might be true, but it’s still hilariously rude. What is even funnier is that they probably know each other in our small town…might even be neighbors. Love that “Wow!” at the beginning.
This next one is from a hole in the wall donut shop. So.freaking.good. I used to stop here before school in the morning and you could get a bag of donut holes and a can of soda for $1.50. Nothing like a balanced breakfast.
Marc sounds like he is writing a marketing campaign for them. I can see the advertisements now.
Actually, now that I am thinking about the phrasing it sounds vaguely threatening. However, Marc was so incredibly enthusiastic…and then gave them 4/5 stars. What the heck, Marc? Maybe they really did force him to eat donuts.
The next couple come from our local frozen yogurt shop. I am a big fan of frozen yogurt, who isn’t? But once again…this place is kinda gross. However, I think Cj puts it best:
Yes, Cj called out Hannah last name and all. And yes, I know who he is referring to. #SmallTownProbs
I like Hector’s review because he clarifies how many stars he is giving just in case you missed the stars immediately above the actual review. He also leaves you a little confused. Too much water? Like in the yogurt? In your glass? On the floor? Just in general…like too much water on the planet? I’ve got questions, Hector.
Next, we will switch over to other places of business around the town. First, the farmer’s market. I have fond memories of picking out Okra with my grandmother and getting the first boiled peanuts of the season at our farmer’s market but apparently, I missed out on the best vegetable available there:
They might be great but they aren’t 5 star great.
For a small town, we must have a large demand for wigs because we have TWO stores completely dedicated to wigs. One being called “Wigs and Things” that got rave reviews.
Thanks for the info, Teresa.
Our second wig shop isn’t as popular with its customers.
Just a suggestion, but Oreo might want to check out the other wig store for any wig related emergencies. It seems like Teresa would recommend it.
One of the only things that puts my hometown on the map is…a really big tree. Yeah, I wish this were a joke but it’s not. We have a tree that is moderately big and pretty old and for some reason, southern white people lose their mind over this thing. Mary is a perfect example:
All I’ve got to say is…that’s what she said.
I thought I would wrap up this post with a review of my high school that also reflects my opinion about my hometown:
This was a different kind of post for me but I hope it made you laugh! I know I got a kick out of some of these. Do you come from a small town? Share below and thanks for reading!